Kym Netherton Counselling

Dial 999 for Burnout Rescue....

If you don’t know what Burnout is you’re either lucky, or you’re too busy to look it up.

 

Burnout is the state we get into when we’ve pushing too hard, doing too much, and chronically depriving ourselves for TOO LONG.

 

For far too many of us ‘Burnout’ has become a way of being to such an extent that we’ve forgotten what LIVING without the burden of it looks and feels like.

 

How do you know if you’re suffering from burnout? Here are a few tell-tale signs:

 

• You’re ‘hit by a truck’ exhausted, there are dark circles under your eyes and you feel like you could go to bed at pretty much any time of the day...you probably can’t actually get to sleep though because you have too many things to think about or your never ending to-do list is growing by the second in your mind
• You’re no longer enthusiastic about things which you used to love
• You barely have the motivation to change the channel on the television set using the remote control
• You feel in a constant state of anxiety – about nothing and everything - things which you might normally do without even thinking seem huge and your level of competence feels miniscule.
• Everything is ‘too much’
• You don’t have any desire to get up in the morning
• Nothing inspires you
• You don’t want to be creative
• You seem to pick up every bug and sickness going
• You feel trapped between the two states of pressurising yourself to do more, while actually accomplishing nothing
• You feel angry and snappy
• You feel guilty about any time you spend not tackling your to do list or helping/caring for someone else
• Loss of libido or sexual function
• While at home you’re thinking about all the things you need to do at work and while at work you’re thinking about everything you need to do at home

 

Sound familiar?

 

It’s time to call Burnout Rescue.

 

It’s important to remember that burnout can happen to anyone, even that friend of yours who always seems happy, or the celebrity who is perkiness personified, or that health and fitness coach or lifestyle guru – and even me.

 

I’m increasingly meeting women and men who are chronically burned out; trying so hard to do it all, have it all, be their best, while forgetting entirely to look after themselves. I don’t mean taking a multi-vitamin every morning, I mean, deeply, lovingly, compassionately, totally accepting of their needs and limitations, taking care of themselves. Body, mind and soul.

 

I don’t mind admitting that I’ve suffered from burnout, I don’t see it as a weakness, I see it as a reflection of how committed, enthusiastic and motivated I am to live every last drop of my life, including all parts of myself, my work, my relationships, my parenting, my passions... but what I’ve learned, (In no uncertain terms – thank you, oh wise body) is that if I want to be everything that I want to be, I have to give myself what I need...first.

 

 

Yep, that’s right. You did just read that.

 

Put. Yourself. First.

 

Without. Guilt.

 

Seriously.

 

This isn’t about being selfish, this is about recognising that you can give SO much MORE of yourself when you aren’t depleted and running on empty. Filling up your own tank isn’t just good for you; it’s good for everyone around you, your work, your children, your studies, your friends. It’s a win-win situation!

 

I was once told a Sufi story about a group of travellers who had been walking for days in the baking sun, they had run out of food and water, they were parched and weakened by dehydration and hunger. They came across a river and rejoiced. One mother placed her baby on the banks of the river, waded in and drank until she’d had her fill, on her return a group of men and younger women scolded her and asked her how she could be so selfish as to leave her baby and quench her own thirst rather than giving water to the baby first. The woman calmly picked up her baby, sat on the banks of the river, put the baby to her breast and said to them ‘I have drank all that I needed and have satisfied my thirst, now I am able to provide my baby not just with river water, but with clean milk that will feed his hunger and his thirst’.

 

The mother was able to provide her baby with more, and better, by taking care of her own thirst first.

 

That's a super powerful image to have in your mind the next time you feel guilty about taking care of yourself.

 

Q. How are you currently taking care of your thirst? How are you looking after YOU in order to prevent burnout or bring you back from the brink?

 

Need some ideas?  Here are 40:

 

• Learn to Meditate -here’s a link to Deepak Chopra’s free 21 Day Meditation challenge http://www.chopracentermeditation.com/Bestsellers/LandingPage2.aspx?BookId=178

 

• Learn Mindfulness – See my blog on the benefits of mindfulness http://kymnetherton.typepad.com/my-blog/2013/02/index.html

 

• Massage – If you can afford it get a professional massage, if you can’t, do massage swaps with friends and loved ones, most people are more than willing to give you a massage if they know they’ll be getting one back, and reciprocal massages are definitely worth more than the sum of all their parts so everyone benefits more than they give.

 

•  Yoga – Yoga is credited with health benefits such as improved mood, increased strength and flexibility, decrease in aches and pains, better sleep, increased confidence, improved body image, decreased stress, and according to a study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, yoga’s ability to reduce anxiety, increase body awareness and even speed the release of hormones associated with arousal translates to an increase in libido, lubrication and ability to achieve orgasm. I’d highly recommend attending a class in your local area but if not then check out http://www.doyogawithme.com/ for free online classes that you can do in your own home, at a time to suit you.

 

• Reflexology

 

• Do something creative that has nothing to do with work, get in the kitchen and bake up a storm, make cards for your loved ones, get your camera out and take some pictures of unexpected beauty, make collages, learn to knit, learn a new crafty skill.  

 

• Do things you loved doing before life got in the way, what did you enjoy doing when you were a child? Maybe it was reading, or colouring in, or running down hills, I’m willing to bet your adult self will still be exhilarated/calmed/overjoyed by doing some of the things that your child self loved.

 

• Get together with friends, old ones, new ones, silly ones, the power of a good chin-wag with people whose company you’d choose is much underrated.

 

• Set boundaries. It’s crucial to have set times when you don’t work, when you don’t answer calls, when you don’t answer emails. For those that work from home it’s also important to have boundaries around times that you aren’t available to mend toy cars or make snacks.

 

• Take naps. I love a power nap (20-40 minutes, no more) at pretty much any time of the day that my body says it needs one; and I’m in good company, Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein and Margaret Thatcher loved power naps too, and they were *quite* productive.

 

• Read books that you want to read, not just ones that you have to read or ‘should’ read.

 

• While we’re at it, remove the word ‘should’ from your vocabulary. Entirely. You ‘could’ do anything, but shoulding all over yourself is asking for trouble of the fatigue/guilt/anxiety kind.

 

• Burn (or add a couple of drops to your bath) essential oils  - Try Lavender for relaxation and stress relief, Geranium to calm and balance, Orange for insomnia and mood boosting, or Clary Sage to release nervous tension.

 

• Steer clear of stimulants like caffeine, nicotine and processed sugar.

 

• Feed your body – ‘Real’ food that comes from nature, and that you prepare lovingly for yourself, not junk food that’s prepared by a nameless stranger in a factory or fast food joint. Read my blog about Mindful Eating http://kymnetherton.typepad.com/my-blog/2012/01/index.html

 

• Breathe. In and out. Focus on the out breath.

 

• Stroke a pet, if you don’t have one, see if a friend has a dog that would like an extra walk or a rabbit who likes cuddles.

 

• Exercise. In any way you like, it could be that you love running, or salsa dancing, or skipping with a rope, it really doesn’t matter what you do, only that you move your body in a way that you enjoy.

 

• Keep a journal. Writing down your worries is a proven way of getting distance from them. Also a written to do list is often ‘shorter’ than a mental one.

 

• Laugh - it really is the best medicine. Watch a funny film, see a comedian, read a comic strip, whatever tickles you.

 

• Gardening - great for reducing stress, getting exercise, fresh air, teaching patience, getting creative, and being in touch with nature.

 

• Take a bath - Treat yourself to a facemask or aromatherapy oils, luxuriate until the water goes cold and your fingers go wrinkly.

 

• Listen to music or play an instrument.

 

• Drink Camomile Tea. Slowly and from your favourite cup.

 

• Lie on your back outdoors and look up at the clouds or the stars. Great for getting perspective and feeling connected.

 

• Unplug – No facebook, no twitter, no smartphone, no emails.

 

• Go for a walk and really notice your surroundings.

 

• Look through photo’s and indulge in your happy memories.

 

• Light scented candles and sit in the candlelight.

 

• Go to the beach or a river and connect with the flow of water.

 

• Go somewhere or do something new – A change really can be as good as a rest.

 

• Forgive yourself.

 

• Let go of something – perhaps a negative belief about yourself, a rule or a memory.

 

• Snuggle under a blanket

 

• Buy yourself flowers and remember how special you are every time you look at them

 

• Look yourself in the eye in the mirror and tell yourself that you love and accept yourself, just the way you are. Out loud.

 

• Dance.

 

• Give yourself a manicure or pedicure

 

• Get professional support – That could be a baby sitter, a cleaner, a counsellor or a VA.

 

• Say goodbye to guilt about taking care of yourself. Forever.

 

 

The great thing about burnout is that once you’ve been through it a few times and learned what works to bring you out of it, you get better and better at avoiding it; and you start including what you need as a daily practice, rather than as a last minute rescue remedy.

 

Remember: You don’t have to get burned out before you start taking care of yourself, take care of yourself today and say bye-bye burnout for good.

 

If you’d like support to learn how to take care of yourself, or learn how to love yourself enough to allow it, contact me via email [email protected] or visit my website www.kymnetherton.co.uk

Non-Negotiables and why they are crucial for an easy life!

I often spend a lot of time with my clients talking about the three ‘C’s’ – Change, Choice and Control.

While there will always be times in life that events happen which are outside of our control, there is one thing that we always get to have control over – ourselves. Our actions, reactions, and what I like to call our ‘pre-actions’ (the things that we do in our lives which prepare us for any eventuality).

When clients come into therapy they have usually got to a point where they want to make changes. Sometimes they know what these changes need to be, other times they don’t - they just know that they no longer feel ‘right’.  Sometimes the change is obvious, i.e. they want to have more energy, and in order to do that they know that they need to change their eating habits, so we look at how to make those changes. Other times it’s less obvious, i.e. they are feeling lonely and isolated despite being married and having friends, and we might look at how they are functioning in relationships and whether the relationships they currently have are working for them.

Choice comes into play once we know what the changes are that need to be made. Sometimes we know what needs to change, and why, but we just don’t seem to be able to make the choice to. For example, we might know that we want to do more exercise, because we want to feel stronger, fitter, more supple and to improve our mood – but when it comes to it, we just don’t do it. We know that the yoga class that we want to attend is on a Tuesday night, we know that when we go to it we feel great, but sometimes we don’t get to it; - because a friend was upset and wanted to talk on the phone, or we were tired, or someone invited us out, so then we don’t go for two or three weeks and we feel like we’re out of routine, or too embarrassed to go back, so we don’t. Hey presto! We didn’t make the choices that we needed to, so we didn’t make the change that we wanted, and now not only are we back at square one with our physical fitness, we feel even worse emotionally because we feel as though we failed. Making choices is really hard.

Now onto non-negotiables. These, in contrast, are really easy. They are about NOT making choices – because we know how bad we are at those. We have hundreds of non-negotiables in our lives, but we don’t even notice them – (because they make life really, effortlessly, easy). A non-negotiable is a pre-made choice that we do not deviate from under any circumstances. For example, I don’t smoke, I never have to ‘choose’ not to smoke, I just don’t smoke. I could be offered a cigarette in a hundred different ways and I still wouldn’t smoke. Non-negotiable. I brush my teeth every day, without thinking about it, without consciously choosing it. Non-negotiable.

 

The more things that we have in our lives that are non-negotiable, the easier it is to make changes. The list of non-negotiables will be different for everyone; for some it might be that Tuesday night yoga is a non-negotiable, for others it might be ensuring that they finish work by 6pm on a Friday, for others still it might be getting out of bed by 9am every day, or washing their hair. Non-negotiables aren’t about having rigid rules and laws to live by; they are about recognising the things which truly support us in our lives and help us to move towards our goals without the pitch and toss of having to make choices.

When we commit ourselves 100% to our choice, it is no longer a choice, it’s no longer a process, it’s no longer a struggle, it just is. Like Nike says, we ‘Just Do It’.

What needs to go on your list of non-negotiables?

Mindful Eating - Food For Thought

          
    Mindful eating is probably one of the most powerful ways in which you can change your relationship with food, eating and your body as a whole.

Before we look at what mindful eating is let’s take a look at what it isn’t. Most of us are familiar with this scenario - You come home tired and hungry after a day of work, you boil a pan of water while you check Facebook, chuck in some pasta, switch the television on while it cooks, drain, pour into a bowl, sprinkle over cheese, slouch on the sofa and eat ravenously while you watch the One Show, not noticing that you’ve eaten past your fullness point, and grab a bowl of ice-cream to watch the soaps with, and a few biscuits for the ten o’clock news. You fall into bed exhausted, bloated and tense.  

This is ‘mindless eating’.

Another example of not being mindful is what I think of as having ‘too much mind’, it might look like the following – You wake in the morning with your head full of good intentions about how today you’re going to have the ‘best diet ever’, you weigh out your 45grams of Special K, you measure your 100ml of skimmed milk, and top with 20grams of raisins. While eating you worry about the train being delayed, you remember last night’s meal and you’re cross with yourself and think that you’ll have to work harder at the gym today. You run for the train aware of a tight, griping sensation in your tummy and wonder whether you have a food intolerance – maybe it’s the milk or the wheat?

Or maybe, the problem isn’t the food that you eat. Maybe it’s the way that you eat food.

When you’re stressed your body actually turns off its digestive function in order to preserve energy and prepare itself for the onslaught of whatever the perceived ‘danger’ is; if you’re tense every time you eat because you’re worrying about how many calories, how many grams of fat, what time the next train is, what your boss thinks, what’s going on in the Middle East, or what’s going on in Eastenders, then you are shutting down your body’s ability to digest and assimilate the food that you’re eating, meaning that whatever you eat isn’t able to nourish you – and that is what eating is primarily for!

So now we know what mindful eating isn’t – what is it?

Mindful eating is about taking the time to pay attention to your food, without judgement, as you prepare it, consume it, nurture and nourish yourself with it. Noticing how each of your senses is stimulated as a response to the foods you eat. Do you take time to present your meals in an appetising way? Are your meals colourful? What memories and feelings are evoked by the smells of certain foods? Mindful eating is about noticing these things, not about getting caught up in judgements about them, just noticing.

Notice how your body responds to the different foods that you eat. It’s amazing how often people tell me that when they begin to eat mindfully they suddenly realise that they don’t like foods that they previously thought they loved!

Eating mindfully is about acknowledging how you currently respond, emotionally, physically, and mentally to foods and dining situations, perhaps your likes and dislikes, your pre-conceptions, again, this is not about judging, it is just about noticing and acknowledging. By bringing your full awareness to the table so to speak, you are deepening and enriching your experience of eating, you begin to fully appreciate the experience and become naturally motivated to make it a positive and enjoyable one; and you are rewarded with improved digestion, better assimilation of nutrients, fewer cravings and more natural control over your food choices.    

My first suggestion on how to start your mindful eating journey is to only ever eat sitting down, at a table, with a knife and fork. Of course, in the reality of life you will not always be able to do this, but to begin with I have found this the best way to enable you to really focus your attention and awareness, particularly around noticing your physical cues of hunger and satiety, these are your body’s unique messages to you about when to start, and when to stop eating.

I would encourage you to eat mouthful-by-mouthful, the first mouthful being the most important as this is the mouthful that really prepares your body for the food that it is about to receive and be asked to digest. Really take your time, see, smell, taste, chew, savour, notice. Sometimes it can be helpful to put your knife and fork down between mouthfuls to allow yourself to really appreciate each mouthful individually, this also promotes a slowing down of your eating, recognising that by slowing down you will be closer to knowing that you are full before you stop eating – if you bolt down your food you have often eaten more than you need a long time before your body is giving you the signal to stop – cue indigestion, bloatedness and general discomfort, not to mention weight gain from over eating.

Remember – You do not have to finish everything on your plate. The starving children in Africa will not be helped by your using your body in place of a bin. Your body is a beautiful, complex, wondrous miracle, it is not a bin.

For some people, in particular those suffering from Anorexia, slowing down will not be necessary at all, as often you are eating very slowly already. What I would encourage you to first bring your awareness to is those inner voices that hamper your progress through a meal, remembering that you cannot digest and assimilate those vital nutrients while stressed (calories however will be not be affected). This is not about listening to those voices or obeying them, this is simply about noticing them, acknowledging them, recognising them for what they are, and continuing to bring your physical senses into awareness, we are not interested here in the calorie content of the food, we are interested in the taste, the mouth feel, the smell, the crunchiness, the sweetness, the chewiness, the juiciness, your enjoyment and nourishment.

When we begin to eat mindfully we become more aware of how our dietary choices affect our own individual health, we become more aware of how our food is digested, at what speed and with what ease, we become more attuned to the messages that our own bodies give us and can begin to trust these messages and intuitions, remembering that what works for us is not what works for our next door neighbour, our partner, our favourite celebrity with the washboard stomach, or the latest diet guru.  

There are no food ‘rules’ with mindful eating, there are no foods that are off limits; no food is a ‘sin’. However what it naturally encourages is balance, wisdom, choice and acceptance of what is, in our bodies, in our environments, and in our eating. This is not an overnight miracle; it is a process, it takes time and patience as we rebuild our relationship with our bodies, as we learn to trust our bodies’ attempts to communicate and as our bodies learn to trust that we are going to consistently make the choice to nourish it appropriately.

 

If you would like to know more about mindful eating, or would like support to heal your relationship with food go to my website www.kymnetherton.co.uk, or email me [email protected]

 

Tips for surviving Christmas with an Eating Disorder:

Christmas can seem like one long food fest; mince pies, candy canes, turkey, stuffing, roast potatoes, chocolates, cheese boards, not to mention Christmas pudding! With an eating disorder that can feel extremely over-whelming, especially when coupled with the pressure to be happy and full of festive cheer. Here are some of my top tips for enjoying Christmas while living with an eating disorder:

• Plan ahead – So as to avoid any last minute panic situations I’d recommend that sufferers and carers (perhaps including counsellors or care co-ordinators) spend some time discussing what will be on the Christmas menu, when it will be served and the expectation of what the sufferer will eat. 

• Be realistic – An eating disorder is not going to disappear just because it is Christmas. You can however choose to accept it and avoid stress about it for the day.

• Non-negotiables -If you are going to be somewhere unfamiliar for the day like a relatives that you don’t see very often and don’t feel comfortable discussing the meal plan with them, consider taking some ‘safe’ foods with you in case you find yourself unable to eat what is on offer – opting out of eating altogether is not an option. 

• Support - Try to have someone available to support you either in person or via telephone if you are likely to struggle with eating, sometimes all that’s needed is someone to tell you that it IS okay to have a mince pie. If you need additional support then remember that B-eat (The eating disorder association) helplines are open over the festive period (not including Christmas day or New Years day) on 0845 634 1414 and that Samaritans are available at all times on 08457 90 90 90.

• Escape route – Sometimes everything can feel overwhelming, especially when there are lots of people around, try to have a quiet place sorted so that you can have a short break to take some time to yourself and restore balance. 

• Go online – Food shopping can be triggering, especially for those with Binge Eating Disorder or Bulimia, try shopping online so that you are not overwhelmed by the volume and variety of food on offer at this time of year.

• Say No – if you know that seeing Uncle Bill or Cousin Julie will end in tears because you have experience of them upsetting or triggering you in the past, make other plans; just because it’s Christmas it doesn’t mean you have to allow yourself to be treated badly. 

• Say Yes – Don’t allow your eating disorder to stop you from doing things that you’d like to do. Yes, there might be food at the party, but your friends will be there too, and they will want to see you regardless of whether or not you partake in the turkey vol-au-vents.

• Focus – Remember that Christmas is not all about food. It’s also time to re-connect with loved ones, play games, have fun, relax, rest, and enjoy yourself!

Wishing everyone a healthy, happy and peaceful Christmas.